Fatdex – Webcomics and rants plus some other stuff that can’t be categorizied

Live Free or Die Hard
Year Released: 2007
Directed by: Len Wiseman
Starring: Bruce Willis, Timothy Olyphant, Justin Long
Production Company: 20th Century Fox

Come and gone are the 80′s action movies. With their over the top action, defying of physics and one liners they were retired when the age of special effects entered the arena. Everyone got the memo: except for John McClane: indestructible supercop and it’s about time he came back!

Live Free or Die Hard could very well be the most fun movie for the summer 2007 season and it stands out with a point: who needs all the blue and green screen crap when you have a veritable, be it bald, action icon like Willis who’s come back in the digital age to lay down the smack: analog-style. The plot is simple: it brings forward all those Y2K era fears you had about dependency on computers, and what happens to infrastructure, government, finances and traffic when their tied into said computers. Ultra hacker Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant) has devised the mass mayhem in an attempt at securing the World’s finances by way of duping hackers into cracking pieces of government code, and he does away with them with a C-4 firmware upgrade (?) that destructs when the geeks hit ‘delete’. Pretty far-fetched. It was even more farfetched that some of the terrorists were French (!).

The action is just what you’ve come to expect from the Die Hard series: it’s fast, furious, and loud. At times, it’s pretty over the top and somewhat silly: such as when McClane crashes a police cruiser into a helicopter. “I was out of bullets” an understated, if not dry use of his quick barbs. That’s another thing too, what happened to the one-liners? We were treated with a veritable cornucopia of memorable quotes:

There was the statement of obvious:
“No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I’m ordering a pizza?”
More obviousness:
“Who’s driving this car, Stevie Wonder?”
And my personal favourite: right at the end when he’s beating the hell out of Karl:
“You motherfucker, I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna fuckin’ cook you, and I’m gonna fucking eat you!”

In the most recent incarnation, we’re given
“Enough of this kung fu shit”
And
“A little thing they invented back in the sixties called ‘jogging’. You’re gonna love it. Come on”

Okay, now that it’s down on paper, I have to say I cracked a smile over that kung fu line.

Speaking of which, with the family friendly PG-13 rating, I was a little disappointed. Viewing the first Die Hard, it was basically B movie fare that compensated not having a big star (at the time anyway) with massive amounts of blood and Willis’ trademark smart-ass one liners. And it worked great. Hell, it worked in the first, second and third instalment, not so much this time around though. Yes, I blame the rating for the lack of swearing, and Die Hard’s famous quote ‘Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker!’ which they needlessly blanked out the last few syllable with a gunshot. So, the ratings board doesn’t like any famous four letter words, but is willing to substitute it with on screen shootings and McClane beating a girl into submission? Well, whatever works.

Oh yes, the ACTION. It’s pure and plenty, but there’s a few parts that I’m sure auto manufacturer’s hoped to cash in on, namely the parts where:

McClane drives a cop car into a helicopter.
McClane drives over a chick ninja with a Ford Explorer.
McClane drives a semi big rig into an F-18 hornet.

Plus, he steals a BMW and Kevin Smith’s old beater. To say the screenwriters might be autophiles might be stating the obvious: or point out their closet fetish.

If you want a movie with an action icon back in form, check out the indestructible human bullet John McClane kicking ass on July 4th. His old school tactics certainly work: especially when he delivers the package with a wise cracking mouth.

7.5 out of 10

Hitman
Year Released: 2007
Directed by: Xavier Gens
Starring: Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko
Production Company: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: Nov 21, 2007

Hitman, as any good gaming geek would know is the movie based on the hit multiplatform by Eidos interactive. In the game, you play a ruthless hitman assigned to eliminate targets by a splinter religious sect organization. You dispatch targets with as much creativity as you like, and your reward is moving further up the game chain. In other words: it can get pretty repetitive – just like the movie.

Well, it wasn’t so repetitive as it was graining on my eyes watching a lot of nothing happen on the screen. The plot follows our Hitman, known anonymously only as ‘Agent 47′ (Olyphant), from being raised as child to breathe, sweat, eat and presumably shit assassin. The beginning scene proudly plays Ave Maria which screams out “Pay attention! This is important!” Don’t worry, it’s not. And it’s an interesting back-story, but full of questions that are really never answered. Moving onto adulthood rather quickly, chrome domed Agent 47 receives a barcode tattoo (we can only assume this is where the ’47′ came from) to basically let the audience know he’s graduated from Assassin University. The real plot then takes place, but I feel it’s really nonexistent and rather unimportant to the film. Agent 47 is dispatched to murder a potential presidential candidate of Russia. He fails, or so you think, in steps Dougray Scott as the FBI to call it bullshit, he unravels a plot, agent 47 is framed by his own organization, goes on the lam, picks up a half dressed Olga Kurylenko , continues running, unravels another plot and so on so forth.

Like I said, the plot really isn’t what you’re watching: it’s the gunplay, the violence and the slick angles that make this so cool. It’s a shame really, because Hitman is another ‘style over substance’ movie that really doesn’t inspire, take any new chances nor does it leave you with a sense of closure. Like I said, there are some pretty cool parts, such as samurai fighting and the occasional boob shot that got in there, but really, it felt lame.

You can certainly tell the actors tried their best with the material they were given. Dougray Scott, brings a little of that british wit and dignity, whereas I’m not sure if Timothy Olyphant really fills the shoes of a role this big. Granted, he looks just like the character from the game, yet lacks the nitty grittiness that the role suggests he needs. He’s a killer right? I understand the need to get dressed up in a black suit and blood red tie, but it’s okay that he gets beat up and muddy every once in a while: give me my action heroes in the form of the John McClane. Olga Kurylenko is new to American cinema’s, but I get the feeling this vehicle isn’t going to launch her into utter stardom; if anything, she’ll spend a good amount of time ever denying this movie was on her resume. The rest of the cast I could mention, but they are utterly throw away peices. Use them to get the plot going, but don’t bother trying to find their motivations.

Perhaps I’m just complaining, but at times the audio didn’t quite sync up properly. Of course most of the talking scenes of Agent 47 has Timothy Olyphant talking through his teeth most of the time; which would be hard for any editor to get through.

The spy/assassin genre is chock full of mindless, uninspired crud and Hitman is no different. If you want something with real substance and that’s smart enough not to insult your intelligence, check out the Bourne Series, or to a lesser extent: the cartoonish super villainy of Austin Powers. At least you’ll feel more satisfied than watching Hitman.

2 out of 10

I am Legend
Year Released: 2007
Directed by: Francis Lawrence
Starring: Will Smith, a bunch of zombies and his dog
Production Company: Warner Bros.

Will Smith is a bankable star, if not a likeable one. As Robert Neville, the last man alive in a city full of zombie-like/infected monsters, he carries it well without his brand of off-the-cuff humor we’re so used to in his past roles.
Legend is the cautious tale of tempering with vaccines, and what could happen to the world, should a potential cure for cancer mutate, and turn regular people into night zombie/vampire creatures. Robert Neville is the last infected man alive, lives and faithfully sends out radio transmissions everyday from his base in New York. As flashbacks indicate, the virus outbreak was partly his own responsibility, and he is seemingly immune. Being a military scientist, he conducts experiments to cure the virus, but time is running out as the city is infested with the infected zombies. Pretty cool premise, huh?

Legend didn’t quite fill my movie needs many terms. As a stand alone movie, it falls short in many categories. Director Francis Lawrence takes too long developing the idea that a major metropolitan city as New York has become a deserted wasteland of metal, overrun by weeds and wildlife. I get that, the audience gets that, so why dedicate more than 3/4 of the film to show it? Not exactly the sort of thing you want to continue to show if you want to prove a tired point: in Lawrence’s case, he’s trying to prove to the studios he’s worth signing on for another feature film. Hey, more power to the guy, but the focus should really have been on making the Neville a little more consistent.

I remember when I am Legend was being developed by Ridley Scott, and Arnold Schwarzenegger was attached as Robert Neville. Man, those were exciting days; an A-list star and a powerhouse director. Unfortunately, it all fell apart due to overblown budgets, and this project went into development hell for more than 15 years. The names alone would have attracted me, and a master filmmaker like Scott would have been able to put the focus on the characters (ie. Matchstick men, or to a greater extend: any of his tent-pole movies) with the background as a supporting tool.

As a remake, the film is good. As a stand alone movie, it’s a half hour too short, and there’s not enough directions this film could have gone. Some characters are created but not introduced; which leads to clumsy relationships. Hopefully that doesn’t spoil too much. I could only take so much of Smith talking to himself and going through the same flashbacks, of non-zombified New York.

There’s also a HUGE inconsistency in how these movie monsters work as well: Neville, an army scientist records for us his findings: apparently these creatures are without any sort of proper thought process, only feeding on whatever ‘clean’ blood they find. All the actions of these creatures makes this statement true: they’re mindless zoned out creatures with lightning fast speed, only looking to feed in the night because the sunlight burns their skin.

This totally undermines the entire premise of the film for me. First, they introduce the ground rules, then break them to create tension. It’s an utterly worthless gesture that only serves to confuse the audience, and tack on the next stupid move for Smith’s Character: revenge. He’s only been alone, being ever so careful for the last three years as the last man: and he does something totally out of character and completely reckless.

If you want flashy visuals with no moral conundrums, by all means see I am Legend. If you want a movie that will make you think about consequences: check out Children of Men.

6 out of 10

Rambo
Year Released: 2008
Directed by: Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz,
Production Company: Rogue Marble

Remember that scene in UHF where Weird Al shot something like, 100 guys standing on the hill with his big M60? The 2008 Rambo kinda reminds me of that; namely because he has a great big .50 calibre machine gun he uses to mow down the enemy. Of course, UHF didn’t have bad guys being decapitated or limbs blown off from bullets; leave that to our boy Rambo.

As you know (hopefully you’ll know this) Rambo is the fourth instalment of the Rambo series. Basically it’s an exercise in maniless, masculinity and defined the 80′s action hero as the rough and tumble ex-military type. Unlike the first series however, there’s much more gratuitous violence and blood than the first three COMBINED. Stallone might not be as muscular and slim; these days he’s trying to stave off the grandpa fat and thankfully doesn’t take off his shirt, he’s bit larger and little chunkier but even more deadly as he hacks and shoots his way through Burmese soldiers.

This time around Rambo, who hasn’t returned to the United States in 25 years, lives a solitary life in Thailand where he hunts poisonous snakes and blacksmiths random metal objects. For anyone still paying attention: Rambo is the fucking balls, the iron chef of he-man toughness. He hunts poisonous snakes. Seriously. Some missionaries show up hoping to help the war torn Burma, and since they’re armed with Bibles and medicine, and have a single white female (Julie Benz), Rambo is adverse to the idea at first then warms up. Probably to further along the story. The missionaries get to their destination, but shortly after arriving the village is massacred by the Burmese army and the surviving missionaries are taken hostage.

At this point it’s up to Richard Crena’s replacement (Ken Howard) to hire some annoying commandos and with Rambo’s help, get their people back and shoot the ever-loving-shit out of the Burmese. Let’s put it this way; he does both.

The character of Rambo has always been a part of my childhood; he was this untouchable killing machine that didn’t have mercy, was invisible to the enemy and feared by his own people. On top of that, he was resourceful, smart and suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome; and back in the 80′s that was cool. This time around, he’s a little slower and director Stallone’s solution was to up have him kill people in the most graphically violent way possible. To make up for the last 25 years, Rambo still uses his crossbow; albeit for fishing and gaming, but it was still pretty cool to see, and he didn’t have his giant multipurpose blade either: he traded it in for a custom made giant machete. And I think that’s the symbolism Stallone was trying to accomplish in this film to set it apart from the last three – he’s gotten older, wiser, and rather than using a sleek blade, the broad metal of the machete inflicts maximum damage with maximum noise. As opposed to trying to sneak up on people, and at 61 that’s probably harder to accomplish.

If you’re looking for blood and guts, look no further than Rambo, I’m sure there’s enough here to start its own franchise. Stallone can prove he can bring new life into old shoes with Rocky and he’s done pretty well with Rambo. Next up, either a sequel to Demolition Man, or a Tango and Cash remake with Stallone and Seann William Scott. Man, Tango and Cash was awesome.

7 out of 10

Jumper
Year Released: 2008
Directed by: Doug Liman
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson
Production Company: 20th Century Fox

Jumper means well, in the same way that a homeless guy steals your wallet. Actually, it’s just theft, and it’s criminal. And that’s how I felt after viewing Jumper. I felt like I had been robbed.

If not for the supremely successful Bourne Trilogy, Doug Liman probably would have never even got a hand in directing this movie, and unlike his Indy roots, he whole heartedly sacrifices substance for style. Not the best move, especially for a film that looks this pretty, and makes you wonder about the possibilities of teleportation. And Hayden cardboard-whiny-as-all-hell-Darth-fucking-Vader Christensen as the lead character, I found myself rooting for the villains half the time. Well, let’s jump into the review shall we? No pun intended.

Christensen is David Rice, a being capable of teleportation simply by envisioning the place in his mind. He just thinks about the place he wants to be, and he’s able to ‘jump’ there through a series of wormhole like teleportation devices that only he can access. This allows him to rob banks, go anywhere in the world, do pretty much anything with no consequences whatsoever, that is until Mace Windu shows up to shove a light saber up his ass! Oops…wrong flick. Samuel L. Jackson in his most cartoonish role with snow white hair and beard accomplishes being a complete dick to Rice within the first scene (so, really he’s not that bad of a guy!) Jackson, as Roland, is the keeper of keys of long…distance…travel. He’s part of a sect called the Paladins and has been hunting down ‘Jumpers’ just like David for a long, long time, in a galaxy far far away…dammit…you get the idea. He’s a major bad ass.

David first learns of his ability when being bullied at school (this part is thankfully not played by Christensen). Once he figures it out, he’s jacks a bank vault and is actually dickish enough to leave an IOU note for all the millions he’s stolen. From his first few clumsy jumps, he starts to use it to travel and steal more money – because, wouldn’t you? Around the second act, the Paladin’s ultimate bad ass Roland shows up to kill Rice, a welcoming act, as we’re never shown any kind of motivations behind Rice’s actions; and really, he is basically a villain since he’s got no moral compass, he does whatever he damn well wants. So, yes, I for one was glad to see Jackson lay the smack down on Vader’s candy ass.

I can’t really say a ‘chase’ ensues, whereby I mean David jumps to another place. A chase is something that’s done when two bodies are in motion, one after the other. This was a little different, in that Rice could just jump to Japan, 10,000 miles away from the people pursing him.

Oh yeah, they also force a romance between Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen. Because he takes her to Rome, a place she’s always wanted to go as a kid. And because she’ll put out if she’s given nice stuff, great moral compass…yeah. I’m sure the filmmakers wanted to convey ‘compassionate longing’ into the script but somehow ended up getting ‘golddigger’. I’m sure it was a slight oversight.

If not for the appearance of a second jumper, Griffin (Jamie Bell), David wouldn’t learn anything about his ‘highlander’ -like back story. Griffin, who really should have been the main characters, saves David from the paladins during a fight in the roman Colosseum. Hell, even a video game was made of Griffin rather than David at the helm – that should tell you something right there: who’s more marketable?

The visuals of Jumper were simply awesome; you really felt that David was jumping all around the world in the blink of an eye, or all over the screen. His ability brings forth many new dimensions of ‘what-if’s’ but the filmmakers ultimately don’t use that tool, and just turn the it into a love story that’s clumsy and at times, silly. The introduction of Diane Lane as the mother also felt entirely tacked on, and a grasping at air attempt for a sequel – it fails miserably.

If this movie proves anything, it’s that in the age of special effects, story stands out above all else. Without a good story and good cast, you just have an empty shell that’s vacuous and tries hard to be something it’s not: great.

5 out of 10