Fatdex – Webcomics and rants plus some other stuff that can’t be categorizied

Hitman
Year Released: 2007
Directed by: Xavier Gens
Starring: Timothy Olyphant, Dougray Scott, Olga Kurylenko
Production Company: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: Nov 21, 2007

Hitman, as any good gaming geek would know is the movie based on the hit multiplatform by Eidos interactive. In the game, you play a ruthless hitman assigned to eliminate targets by a splinter religious sect organization. You dispatch targets with as much creativity as you like, and your reward is moving further up the game chain. In other words: it can get pretty repetitive – just like the movie.

Well, it wasn’t so repetitive as it was graining on my eyes watching a lot of nothing happen on the screen. The plot follows our Hitman, known anonymously only as ‘Agent 47′ (Olyphant), from being raised as child to breathe, sweat, eat and presumably shit assassin. The beginning scene proudly plays Ave Maria which screams out “Pay attention! This is important!” Don’t worry, it’s not. And it’s an interesting back-story, but full of questions that are really never answered. Moving onto adulthood rather quickly, chrome domed Agent 47 receives a barcode tattoo (we can only assume this is where the ’47′ came from) to basically let the audience know he’s graduated from Assassin University. The real plot then takes place, but I feel it’s really nonexistent and rather unimportant to the film. Agent 47 is dispatched to murder a potential presidential candidate of Russia. He fails, or so you think, in steps Dougray Scott as the FBI to call it bullshit, he unravels a plot, agent 47 is framed by his own organization, goes on the lam, picks up a half dressed Olga Kurylenko , continues running, unravels another plot and so on so forth.

Like I said, the plot really isn’t what you’re watching: it’s the gunplay, the violence and the slick angles that make this so cool. It’s a shame really, because Hitman is another ‘style over substance’ movie that really doesn’t inspire, take any new chances nor does it leave you with a sense of closure. Like I said, there are some pretty cool parts, such as samurai fighting and the occasional boob shot that got in there, but really, it felt lame.

You can certainly tell the actors tried their best with the material they were given. Dougray Scott, brings a little of that british wit and dignity, whereas I’m not sure if Timothy Olyphant really fills the shoes of a role this big. Granted, he looks just like the character from the game, yet lacks the nitty grittiness that the role suggests he needs. He’s a killer right? I understand the need to get dressed up in a black suit and blood red tie, but it’s okay that he gets beat up and muddy every once in a while: give me my action heroes in the form of the John McClane. Olga Kurylenko is new to American cinema’s, but I get the feeling this vehicle isn’t going to launch her into utter stardom; if anything, she’ll spend a good amount of time ever denying this movie was on her resume. The rest of the cast I could mention, but they are utterly throw away peices. Use them to get the plot going, but don’t bother trying to find their motivations.

Perhaps I’m just complaining, but at times the audio didn’t quite sync up properly. Of course most of the talking scenes of Agent 47 has Timothy Olyphant talking through his teeth most of the time; which would be hard for any editor to get through.

The spy/assassin genre is chock full of mindless, uninspired crud and Hitman is no different. If you want something with real substance and that’s smart enough not to insult your intelligence, check out the Bourne Series, or to a lesser extent: the cartoonish super villainy of Austin Powers. At least you’ll feel more satisfied than watching Hitman.

2 out of 10

No Country for Old Men
Year Released: 2007
Directed by: Joel and Ethan Coen
Starring: Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem
Distributed by: Paramount Vantage

Simply put, No Country for Old Men is a bloody good movie. I wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘masterpiece’ or monument, it’s good, but it’s not exactly fantastic. Brothers Joel and Ethan have kind of built their film careers off some pretty unique, quirky and always charismatic characters. Given the material, I think they did a commendable job, but really they lose points because they didn’t really take any risks.

No Country smartly starts off on a slow and steady foot, with all narration done by the aged Sheriff Ed Tom Bell played by Tommy Lee Jones. Each scene reluctantly leads to the next, and each one seems to grip you tighter and tighter into this world full of violence, hitmen and choices from everyday people. As the narration serves, you slowly learn the guilt and moral aptitude of Jones’ weathered sheriff is meant to counterbalance the ultra violence of professional hitman Anton Chigurh (Scary-as-shit Javier Bardem). And while we’re on that topic, let’s illuminate a little on Bardem. Seriously: he creeped the hell out of me, I’m sure if a one time meeting with Chigurh doesn’t kill you, it’ll put you in the trauma ward. It’s that quiet intensity, that broiling, seething, almost soft spoken killer that lurks underneath that really gets you. Even the poster for the movie shows Bardem’s eyes, warily watching you, seeing you, figuring out how to get you, should you become locked in his crosshairs. And isn’t that the scariest part? Not knowing?

Anyhow, the Coen’s head back to the Texas landscape in their newest story of a hunter, Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) stumbling across a satchel of drug money, becomes pursued by the homicidal and ultimate badass Chigurh, all the while Sheriff Bell tries to make sense of it all before someone else ends up dead. That’s really the crux of the story, but the genius in the story telling is how they made each character interact with each other.

Given the three main characters, they were destined to meet. However, it never happens – which is a good thing. Not once do the characters share any sort of screen time, and that in turn builds all the tension necessary. While Chigurh is walking around with is silenced ultimate bad ass shotgun, aiming for Llewelyn’s head, it’s done with clever shadows, plus it probably helped that it the scene happened in the dead of the night.

Tommy Lee Jones’ performance can’t really be called main actor type stuff, mainly because I saw him as more of a supporting character to the struggle of the hunter and psycho hitman. His narration does serve a greater purpose in putting all the screen executions and good, well,.. Intentions in perspective. I’m just a little more upset he didn’t really do anything, other than be the lazy sheriff and let the FBI figure out the hard stuff. Hey, that’s just me – the way the role was written, he was acting exactly in character. So sue me for making a few comments.

Plus, I realize that all the Coen’s characters, in any Coen movie, can simply be labelled things like ‘psycho guy’, ‘dude’ and or if possible ‘guy with crazy accent’. And from the looks of things, some characters can have more than one trait to their name. No Country might not be as quotable as the super-fun Big Lebowski, or as quirky as…let’s face it; all their movies are damn quirky. But the seriousness level gets taken up a notch from Fargo, and the screen time isn’t wasted – not a bit. It’s certainly good, but it’s not must-see material.

6.5 out of 10

I am Legend
Year Released: 2007
Directed by: Francis Lawrence
Starring: Will Smith, a bunch of zombies and his dog
Production Company: Warner Bros.

Will Smith is a bankable star, if not a likeable one. As Robert Neville, the last man alive in a city full of zombie-like/infected monsters, he carries it well without his brand of off-the-cuff humor we’re so used to in his past roles.
Legend is the cautious tale of tempering with vaccines, and what could happen to the world, should a potential cure for cancer mutate, and turn regular people into night zombie/vampire creatures. Robert Neville is the last infected man alive, lives and faithfully sends out radio transmissions everyday from his base in New York. As flashbacks indicate, the virus outbreak was partly his own responsibility, and he is seemingly immune. Being a military scientist, he conducts experiments to cure the virus, but time is running out as the city is infested with the infected zombies. Pretty cool premise, huh?

Legend didn’t quite fill my movie needs many terms. As a stand alone movie, it falls short in many categories. Director Francis Lawrence takes too long developing the idea that a major metropolitan city as New York has become a deserted wasteland of metal, overrun by weeds and wildlife. I get that, the audience gets that, so why dedicate more than 3/4 of the film to show it? Not exactly the sort of thing you want to continue to show if you want to prove a tired point: in Lawrence’s case, he’s trying to prove to the studios he’s worth signing on for another feature film. Hey, more power to the guy, but the focus should really have been on making the Neville a little more consistent.

I remember when I am Legend was being developed by Ridley Scott, and Arnold Schwarzenegger was attached as Robert Neville. Man, those were exciting days; an A-list star and a powerhouse director. Unfortunately, it all fell apart due to overblown budgets, and this project went into development hell for more than 15 years. The names alone would have attracted me, and a master filmmaker like Scott would have been able to put the focus on the characters (ie. Matchstick men, or to a greater extend: any of his tent-pole movies) with the background as a supporting tool.

As a remake, the film is good. As a stand alone movie, it’s a half hour too short, and there’s not enough directions this film could have gone. Some characters are created but not introduced; which leads to clumsy relationships. Hopefully that doesn’t spoil too much. I could only take so much of Smith talking to himself and going through the same flashbacks, of non-zombified New York.

There’s also a HUGE inconsistency in how these movie monsters work as well: Neville, an army scientist records for us his findings: apparently these creatures are without any sort of proper thought process, only feeding on whatever ‘clean’ blood they find. All the actions of these creatures makes this statement true: they’re mindless zoned out creatures with lightning fast speed, only looking to feed in the night because the sunlight burns their skin.

This totally undermines the entire premise of the film for me. First, they introduce the ground rules, then break them to create tension. It’s an utterly worthless gesture that only serves to confuse the audience, and tack on the next stupid move for Smith’s Character: revenge. He’s only been alone, being ever so careful for the last three years as the last man: and he does something totally out of character and completely reckless.

If you want flashy visuals with no moral conundrums, by all means see I am Legend. If you want a movie that will make you think about consequences: check out Children of Men.

6 out of 10

The Bucket List

Year Released: 2008
Directed by: Rob Reiner
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, Sean Hayes
Production Company: Storyline Entertainment

The Bucket List is the odd couple formula with a little incentive: they’re both dying of cancer, and want to make more of their last months on earth. It’s a stoic effort, but a few too many of the plot devices hinge too heavily on a few factors.

Super intelligent and world weary Carter Chambers (Morgan Freeman) is a kind hearted mechanic that once had a dream: to be a history professor. After 46 years of marriage and three children, he’s all but put aside his wants and focused entirely on his family. On the other side of the spectrum is billionaire commercial hospital real estate owner Edward Cole (Nicholson) as the vicious businessman who’s put his work first and his family second. Both are diagnosed with terminal cancer, and given only 6 months to a year to live. As fate goes, both are hospitalized in the same room of Cole’s hospital where the rule is ‘two beds to one room’. Upon Carter’s dismal diagnosis, he crumples up a sheet of paper; his ‘bucket list’ he later tells Cole, all the things we wishes to do before he dies.

“Okay, you shoot me, then I’ll shoot you.”

The wildly rich and lovable Cole with all his fortune decides to take his new friend and fulfill his list, by jetting to exotic locales such as Paris, Egypt, and India (who knows if the studio merely put them in front of a blue screen, the salaries alone for this pic sounds pretty hefty). Which goes to show, as bleak as a situation is, it isn’t so bad when you’re stinking rich. Not exactly something shared by all. Could be why I didn’t give this flick a higher rating, it’s not like I could do things I’ve been meaning to do since I was 15, I simply don’t have the funds, and the worrying about paying back the loans would kill me.

“Yeeeha! Geriatrics is fun!”

I love seeing Nicholson do some comedy now and again, call me crazy, but I think he’s pretty good when he’s paired up with a big leaguer like Freeman. Besides, I had to chuckle when they were skydiving and arguing like the old guys they are. Both are funny in their own right. But the chemistry doesn’t seem like it’s melding here, perhaps they’re not liking the idea they’re in a buddy-movie for old men. Either way, the lack of sparks made the film seem flat and tired. Even the god-like voice over narration of Freeman seemed a bit desperate, as if Rob Reiner tried to tag on a line of ‘c’mon: it’s Morgan Freakin’ Freeman!’ Both play their parts to a ‘T’, Nicholson being the wild eyed prankster, and Freeman being the kindly wise man. Neither can do much to keep the Bucket List from becoming a sappy re-telling of grumpy old men.

The real treat is the ending, not exactly a feel good type but it certainly does tug at your heart strings, and hits all the right notes at the close.

6.5 out of 10

27 Dresses
Year Released: 2008
Directed by: Anne Fletcher
Starring: Catherine Heigl, James Marsden, Edward Burns
Production Company: Fox 2000 Pictures

Catherine Heigl is the hot friend that doesn’t really say much unless there’s something interesting going on. There, I fucking said it. Heigl was hilarious in Knocked up, but when I viewed it again the other night, I was laughing at her predicament and Seth Rogen’s performance more than her. I’m guessing the studio execs figured they could capture Heigl’s funnier moments on screen when she’s running the show, but given the weak material, it comes off a little clichéd and tired.
Heigl is the eternal bridesmaid and hopeless romantic Jane, the magazine assistant who’s totally infatuated with her perfect boss George (Ed Burns). How eternal a bridesmaid is she? She’s been in, get this: 27 dresses. And for some reason keeps them all to constantly remind her how empty her life is that suicide is something better left to bankers and lawyers. Sorry, I had to add a little something to keep the article going. She’s also supposed to hate pretty boy writer/marriage cover guy Kevin (James Marsden), so you know she falls in love with the guy after she finds out something clichéd about her boss – oh yeah, her boss falls for her little sister and they get *gasp* engaged!

Personally I would have preferred if Heigl took the high road, grabbed an uzi and a couple shotguns and went nuts at her sister’s wedding; pumping one rage fuelled round after another into either prospective single men, or just the immediate targets of hate. Unfortunately for me, she sucks it in and pretends that she’s in support of the marriage and quietly decides to sabotage it at the last moment: classy. Well, it probably worked out best this way, considering my demographic (late 20′s, married and hates sappy romantic movies) would rather prefer sabotage to come in the form of a Beastie Boys video.

Speaking of videos, there’s a sing-a-long scene involving Heigl, Marsden and Benny and the Jets. Never has that damn song been more emasculating.

Billed as a romantic comedy, you’d think the producers would at least try a few different angles, bringing in a gay in-law to complicate things, or manically funny assistant or something. Rather, they play it out by the numbers and nearly bore you to death. Heigl herself isn’t quite up to calibre to carrying this film all by herself just yet: especially in the comedy arena. At least in Knocked Up, she could play off whatever joke Seth Rogen was making, and he spit them out faster than a condom machine in a high school boy’s room. So, to say that without that formula to keep it going, the laughs are stale and the screenwriters have to resort to pulling used items out of the hat with little to no need to worry about how the sequence of events fall into place.

At least in comedies, there’s the comedy relief; usually in the form of a fast talking, bumbling assistant or a friend that’s a real party animal of some sort, right? Not one to be found in this grinder mix – the camera achingly dotes on Heigl one scene after another, hoping to capture some of that natural hilarity that occurs after a night of drinking, or losing one’s panties in public. Well, they play it safe: what else can I say?

For all these qualities, there are some redeeming ones: in predictability, there’s a sort of calming effect in knowing what’s coming next: they slowly build to a slow climax that you saw coming even before the initial credits stopped. You know that Heigl is more suited to be supporting actress material, you even know that there’s going to be a sappy wedding at the end because all the whole damn movie does is reference weddings and marriage and commitment. So, it’s not horrible, but perhaps a notch above.

4 out of 10