Fatdex – Webcomics and rants plus some other stuff that can’t be categorizied

Time Travel has fascinated countless writers of science fiction, this might be the first time a romance writer takes a stab at it, and the end result is surprisingly good. This is much more romance and matters of the heart than it is the actual science behind transversing time and space. All the physics geeks (and yes, I was part of that group as well) might have trouble the bending of the laws in order to make the story work.

Hey, there is actually something out there called the Clock Gene, but I doubt it has any bearing in transporting a entirely naked Eric Bana across space and displacing all his molecules perfectly together in another time. Hey, if you can believe that he can interact with his younger self, thereby violating the basic principle of time travel, well, you can just suspend your belief.

The movie isn’t about going around from place to place in any sort of awesome way, it’s about Claire’s (Rachael McAdam’s) very creepy love affair with the sometimes old, sometimes young Henry (Eric Bana). Who first appears to Claire at the tender age of 6, gym fit and buck naked he continues to visit her until she catches up with him while still in College and he’s a research librarian (too bad he can’t go back and get some real dirt on the Spanish inquisition). She falls in love with him even with his ‘Chrono-impairment’ which causes him to miss birthdays, holidays, and even a portion of their wedding. But don’t worry, an older Henry takes his own place.

The wardrobe costs for this guy must be killer.

You’re telling me you’re in the Sherlock Holmes sequel?

There’s a lot of naysayers out there, mainly the Internet community which I happen to be a part of that didn’t feel any emotion and figured Claire was a damsel in distress, constantly having to love someone that wasn’t there. Hey, it’s romance guys, this is what chicks dig. And for me, it was somehow soothing. Forlorn love, difficult decisions, and kids. Kids just make me well up these days. Damn those cute kids and father figures they’ll end up missing as they grow up.

7.5 out of 10

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White people (or Caucasian if you want to get technical) scare me. Because I’m a visible minority that works, and makes notes during the day while in public transportation, riding elevators, and sitting on park benches. I observe things. And of these things I’ve observed, I’ve found 5 types of white people that every foreigner should be afraid of.

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5. The WASP

White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, pertains to folks of origin from the British Isles of English descent who are protestant in religious affiliation. They are mostly financially wealthy, have positions in high power and have well educated offspring.

So what’s the big deal?

They’re smart, which means they’re more of a threat than anyone else on this list. Plus they have old school money in their pockets, so all their plays come from high above where you don’t see it coming. Business shutting down, economic depression. These are only some of the things they can control.

Rocking melodies and millions? Two out of three ain’t bad

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4. Rednecks
The complete opposite of the the WASP, the redneck (sometimes referred to as the ‘Hick’) is a type of middle American with low intelligence, loves guns, big trucks, religion, and NASCAR. Found in sprawling numbers across America’s wasteband, are easily identifiable by Mullets, camouflage baseball hats, general lack of teeth and sometimes genetic abnormalities due to imbreeding.

So what’s the big deal?

Remember that ogre in the first Harry Potter film? It was so dumb it couldn’t take a wand out of it’s nose. Think of an average sized human, with a shotgun. These guys are scary because what they don’t know scares them: this includes foreigners, toilet paper and oral hygiene.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen didn’t make the pictures list, by a hair.

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3. Rich and dumb West Coasters

Los Angeles and the California coast is filled with these types of vacuous, empty headed fools who prefer expensive plastic surgery as opposed to working out. Wealth is obtained by way of smart, rich WASP parents or uncles, who unfortunately did not gain the same gene that allows for brain cells to work harder than finding a car in a parkade. No religious beliefs are known, perhaps Scientology.

So what’s the big deal?

WASP’s are scary because they know what they can do with their power. Rich, dumb east coasters are scary because they don’t know what they can do, but are given the authority to do whatever they please. This is scary on a cataclysmic scale: it’s like putting a monkey in charge of the nation’s budget.

Spencer Pratt: The most punchable face in the West Coast?

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2. KKK and Neo-Nazi’s

Pretty obvious one here. And because I’m not going to write much more on this one. Be advised: they have support, and they do drugs, and they have a healthy hate for all things non-alabaster. Keep that in mind.

Kind of like this, but completely not.

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1. Ginger Haired folks

Those freckles, that hair, there is just something about a red haired kid that makes my hair stand on end. Seriously, those kids are creepy. Just looking at one reminds me that there’s a special place in hell where the walls are all the same color.

So what’s the big deal?

Sweet Jesus man, just look at these guys! Could there be a red headed neo-nazi redneck WASP that lives in southern California? Gives me the hoo ha’s just thinking about it.

Popsicle Pete creates nightmares in 10 out of 10 children.

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Hitting thirty reminds me that I’m officially old. It’s one of the scariest numbers to hit, a major landmark in the scheme of only knowing twenty nine years of angst, revolt and perhaps a healthy regard for misbehaviour. My entire life up until twenty-five, was about waiting until I was old enough. Now, I wish I could go back. Back to a time of care free weekdays, getting scolded for trying to eat another cookie. They’re all distant memories now. Thirty was the age of people you could no longer trust, those old farts were part of the system that was ‘keeping you down’. Now I am the system; I’m the grumpy old bastard silently cursing teenagers with blue hair and no respect for their eardrums. Hey, that’s part of growing up, right? Realizing you’re doing things you despised your parents for saying or doing. At least I’ll always be younger than my folks.

There have been so many milestones in my life, becoming a father, a husband, being laid off, enduring a strike, building a house, and a becoming a student of cancer are some of the most memorable. And those all happened in the last five years. My memory becomes a little hazy trying to go backward to a time of living with parents, of getting my first job, of thinking I knew what love was. Those were milestones that seem not as significant these days. But being a father puts all that into perspective. Now all my kid’s major milestones will be important to me, she’s going to forget them, but I’ll hold onto them.

Life is funny that way.

I’ve had the good fortune of understanding that life can be trying at times. Sounds odd that I’m saying that. But it’s really those tough times that define a person. Who you are going into rough times is certainly not the same person who emerges out the other side. The learning experience firsthand is incredible. And I can look back and say ‘I did that, I survived it’. Not everyone will be given the same opportunities. I certainly hope many don’t. But I’m glad I did.

So I’m happily not freaking out over the whole ordeal. There’s lots I haven’t accomplished yet, but I’ll get around to it.

Maybe when I hit forty I’ll really freak out.

-Dexter

Is there a tiny stripper that pops out the top?

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This year of cinema is going to be great. You know why? Because in the age of information media, over stimulation and sheer stupidity, we want to go to the moves and get our optical nerves assaulted in complete darkness for 2 hours. Here’s some of those movies coming up this year that will do exactly that.

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Cop Out
Release Date: February 26, 2010
Jesus Christ, when did Bruce Willis stop caring, and start movies that absolutely stink? The trailer has manic depressive Tracy Morgan as Bruce’s partner with a fucking gun. That whole sentence is just wrong. Bruce Willis isn’t an action star anymore, now he’s just babysitting.

A buddy cop movie with a black guy and a white guy? Genius!

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The Karate Kid
Release Date: June 11, 2010
Watch the trailer, then re-read the title of the movie. For anyone that’s actually paying attention, the kid has moved to China. The national Martial Art of China is Kung-Fu. Jackie Chan is teaching the kid Kung-Fu. There is no karate happening in this film except for the similarity in high kicks. This film vehicle only means to show of Will Smith’s kid as the next acting super-kid. Too bad no one involved in this project bothered to understand basic geography.

Seriously? The Great Wall? They’re not even trying to cover up the landmarks.

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Alice in Wonderland
Release Date: March 5, 2010
The most Burton-esque film to date, Tim has appeared to honour the original material and portray everything through the eyes of a meth-head. Bravo Tim, another nightmare inducing film to further my fears of the dark, and clowns.

I shall never sleep again at the sight of Madonna’s mouth on Johnny Depp’s face.

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Iron Man 2
Release Date: May 7, 2010
Thank God they got rid of that whiny bitch Terrance Howard, Don Cheadle is the shit. The best part of the trailer was the last 3 seconds of Iron Man and War Machine going ballistic.

This is all the awesome I need.

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Sex and the City 2
Release Date: May 28, 2010
Just what every man needed: another estrogen fuelled romp that shows men as dastardly scoundrels who do terrible things to women. And thus shows that women are justified doing what they do because men are pigs. Burn your bra’s and hug your trees, bitches.

Vomit inducement commence…

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Inception
Release Date: July 16, 2010
I have no idea what’s going on in this movie, but Christopher Nolan is at the helm. If you’ve ever watched Memento, Insomnia, The Prestige, any of his films that deal with mind-fucking, then you’re in for a treat. Plus, DiCaprio is one of the finest actors of our generation so mark this date on your calendars, it’s going to be one bumpy ride folks.

Goosebumps away!

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The Expendables
Release Date: August 13, 2010
Stallone wants to revamp the action genre all over again. Too bad he missed the 1980’s catchphrase bus. Action is heading downhill, as Gerard Butler can attest to as of late, all the action movies are mindless and the movie going public wants a little more meat to it’s bones than the ‘run from explosion’ formula that’s been diluted with the likes of Michael Bay.

A couple decades too late, Sly.

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Release Date: June 30, 2010
Teen angst, the sequel with equally shitty acting and story lines. Most men emancipated enough will enjoy the love story between a human and a vampire. Most other, regular men will find something else to do than take their girlfriends to this suck-fest.

Stephanie Meyers was rejected by the high school football captain, and is now making millions on it.

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I
Release Date: November 19, 2010
The second to last movie in the series, Daniel Radcliffe can finally retire after the last film is finished at the ripe age of 45. Seriously, the film execs are taking so long between films that he’s aging at least 3 years between each. Trying to cramp 20 years worth of wrinkles into a 17 year old package does not work.

At least Emma Watson is getting smoking hot with each film.

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Being of average height and weight, does have it’s disadvantages. I was out and about looking for a nice work shirt the other day and to my dismay was having a hell of a time finding the perfect medium/medoyen shirt in the print that I preferred. Every damn thing was either a small, XS, XXL or XXXL. When it comes to availability, I like to think that being ‘average’ would mean there’s more of my size being made and in-stock.

Being average means that numbers are against me. Average means I’ve in the middle. Average also means most people are in this grouping.

Now, if was incredibly obese, or hilariously small this mean I could purchase those nice patterns I like so much. That not being the case, I’ll just have to settle in knowing that should I ever step into a big and tall store, I’ll most likely be thrown out for trying on jacket that could fit a Rhino.

“Richard, what’s happening?!

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